Running a company with a spouse can be rewarding, but is your business destroying your marriage? In this episode, we look at why working with a partner often leads to micromanagement and how to fix it before it’s too late.
Thomas asks: “My wife and I started our business together, but she’s not good at what she does. I try to tell her how to do it, and it results in an argument. I’m stressed, and neither of us likes the business. What do I do?”
In this episode, Scott reveals the two traps that turn business partners into adversaries: the Control Trap and the Inconsistency Trap. You’ll learn why treating your partner like an employee kills both the business and the relationship—and the exact steps to fix it.
You’ll discover why micromanaging your partner creates resentment (and how to stop), the one question every business partnership must answer (“What does done mean?”), How to give your partner autonomy without losing quality, and why “just because they can doesn’t mean they should.”
Don’t let a growing business destroying your marriage; focus on outcomes instead of control.
The bottom line: Your marriage is more important than your business. Let’s save both.
Got a business question? Ask Scott here: scotttodd.net/ask
Full Transcript
Scott Todd (00:00)
Welcome to Fix My Business, the show that helps you get your business unstuck and growing. Today’s question comes from Thomas and Thomas, you threw me a doozy. You’re really did And here it is. My wife and I started our business together. It was my idea and she’s supportive of the business, but honestly, she’s not good at what she does. It’s causing tension.
because I’m trying to tell her how to do it and it results in an argument. I’m stressed all the time and neither of us seem to like the business. What do I do?
Thomas, here’s the issue. You’re actually stuck in two traps. The first trap that you’re stuck in is what I call the control trap. And it’s not like a controlling situation, but as owners, it’s easy for us to assume this control situation. Things kind of have to be done a certain way. And you’re feeling that way. You feel like your wife isn’t good at the business.
But the deeper issue really is the fact that, well, she’s not meeting some standard that you have imposed. And it even comes out, this control trap problem even comes out in some of the words that you used. You said, I’m trying to tell her how to do it. That is…
controlling language. I don’t mean controlling like you’re controlling your wife, but you’re trying to control the situation within the business. the reality is, is what that’s doing is it’s creating a micromanagement situation. Anytime we’re in the controller trap or the control trap, we are creating or acting like micromanagers and micromanagement does not work.
The second trap that you’ve fallen into here is the inconsistency trap.
And the problem with the inconsistency trap is that you’re not doing things the same way. A good company is going to do things the same way every time. A raw material comes in this way and it goes out the other way polished. A sales process takes a lead here and it comes out the other end as a customer. That is consistency. And when you’re trying to tell her
how to do something, it sounds like you’re trying to micromanage the output. And underneath all business issues, I don’t care what your business issue is, underneath all of them is a level of fear. Because fear amplifies all of these problems. When we’re fearful of something, then it causes that fear to come up into one of the traps.
And I think that the fear that you’re feeling here is maybe something as simple as, man, if we don’t do it this way, we’re going to lose the business. And the business I know means a lot to you because, it means a lot to me and every other business owner. I think your wife also has a fear. And I think the fear that she has is this fear of letting you down, this fear that she’s not good enough to meet your standard, whatever that is. And at the end of the day,
you have to remember that your wife working in a business with you is not your employee, she’s your partner, she is your business partner. And so you have to treat her with the same respect, not as an employee, but as an owner because at the end of the day, she really is. Whether she is or not, technically she is.
So how do we get out of these two traps? How do we escape them? Well, here’s what I would do. First thing I’m going to do is I’m going to stop trying to control how she does the work. Flat off, we got to stop that. We got to stop treating her like an employee because it’s going to create resentment. And we need to treat her like a business partner and your wife. The moment you start to tell her, Hey, this is how you do this. You’ve turned into her boss and you’ve lost, you’ve taken off the partner hat. That’s a problem.
Second thing we’re going to do is we’re going to sit down together and we’re going to define what the outcome looks like. Not the process, not you do X, Y and Z. That process really doesn’t work for employees and it really does not work for a partner. You need to come together with your partner and say, this is what we want the outcome to be. This is what this type of work looks like. This is how ⁓
we want it to be because when you know what success looks like, now you have a measurable outcome. You know because you both agree to what that standard is. And then if she’s going to go do that work, you have to let her figure out how to do it. You cannot say you do this, this, this, and this. You say this is how you get there. It doesn’t matter what route you take or how long takes you to do it. You got to get there and this is what success looks like.
And that’s where the documentation, what the documentation should really say. You see, when we don’t have clear documentation on what the finished product should be or how we’re winning, what happens is we end up in this inconsistency trap. And we’re arguing or we’re disappointed in people’s work because there is no standard. And what you have to do is you have to work together. You gotta come together, especially with your partner, and you gotta say, hey, what does done mean?
What does our quality look like? What is the turnaround time? What are the non-negotiables for our business? You write them down, you agree on them, there are things that grow with the business, and then you measure against them. And then I think one of the things that you really have to do is you have to sit down again with your wife, and you have to look at the work that she’s doing.
Just because she’s doing something or capable of doing something doesn’t mean it’s the right role. And I’m telling you, this applies to employees and applies to anybody in our business. Just because they can doesn’t mean that they should. If work is outside of their zone of excellence, the thing that they’re really, really good at, they shouldn’t be doing it. And when a business starts off, look, we just need bodies. We just need people who can fog up a mirror to do some work.
In order for that business to grow, we really need to think about specialists that are doing certain things. There’s a marketing department in a company for a reason. There’s a sales department in a company for a reason. They’re different skill sets and we cannot wear all of the hats. Now, this is what’s going to happen. If you do these steps that I’ve just outlined, you will begin to escape these two traps. You’ll escape the control trap and the inconsistency trap.
And what that’s going to look like now when you’re outside of that control trap is that, well, your wife is going to get autonomy to succeed and to do the work that in a way that makes sense for her. You’re going to stop micromanaging and stressing out about it. And then the business is going to become something that you build together instead of something that tears you apart. When you move through this process too, guess what else happens? Your marriage.
Well, it’s probably going to survive. Because if you keep arguing over the silly stuff, like, I don’t know how to do something in the business, ⁓ man, that makes home life even more difficult. See, you’ve got to fix this so that, well, you don’t lose your marriage. Because that is basically more important to me than your business, right? So let go of how she does it. Define what needs to happen. Give her the space to rise to the occasion. Get it done. It doesn’t matter if it’s in a different
role or a different aspect. Figure out how she can contribute to the business in some way. Look, you’ve got this. And if your business is stuck, you can get your questions answered by going to scotttodd.net/ask. In the meantime, keep moving your feet. I’ll see you next time.